She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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