im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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