Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
