Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
