I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
dude. I can hear the air.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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