he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
