my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
