I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
