By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
