i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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