Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
