I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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