I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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