I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize