you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
