I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize