Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
