i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
