is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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