This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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