she looked like the bat from fern gully.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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