overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
