Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm always down for nudity.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
