Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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