I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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