So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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