Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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