my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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