Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
