Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
