it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
