Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
