I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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