beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
