I must be too annoying 4 u.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
