my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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