Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
