and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
