you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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