Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
