none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
