the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
