Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
