Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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