my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
