I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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