I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
