I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
