dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
