Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
