They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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