I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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