she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize