Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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