I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She's the barista slut.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
