It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
