the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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