We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
