Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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