this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
