May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
