You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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