Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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