Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
