I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
