I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
