i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
