I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
